Santa, if you’re reading this, please use your intense occult powers to do me a favor this festive season: stop companies naming their products incomprehensibly. Please? I’ll leave you some weed-laced cookies? Just make sure I get gadgets with regular names.

This trend of ridiculously named hardware irritated me before, but hit fever pitch recently when I was trying to buy a wake-up light. This is, as it sounds, a light that wakes you up. Effectively, they simulate the sun rising, meaning you surface from your slumber in a way that feels natural.

After a bit of research, it seemed that the best brand to go for was Philips. So, I browsed the company’s website. And what was I confronted with? A series of wake-up lights with the dumbest possible names, I’m talking shit like HF3520/01, HF3510/01, HF3505/01, HF3500/01, and HF3531/01.

And, believe me, that list continues — especially if you’re on something like Amazon. It’s nauseating.

philips wake-up light gadgets with regular names